122: How to Know When You Need Help With Skin Picking, Hair Pulling, or Nail Biting

If, after a picking, pulling, or biting session, you feel:
💔Shame
💔Self-judgment
💔Embarrassment
💔Hopelessness
💔Lost
💔Stuck
💔Apathetic

These are all big indications that you need and deserve support in healing.

BUT...

"... Is it really that bad?"

"... I should be able to figure this out myself."

If you've had these doubts, there are 2 cognitive defensive mechanisms that you might be unknowingly engaging that are greatly holding you back.

If you're engaging in one or both of them, then it's a big sign you really do need help and should not keep waiting.

Listen in to find out!

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My name is Raffaela Marie. I'm a holistic BFRB coach who has healed from 15 years of chronic skin picking myself and dedicated my life to helping driven women do the same. Through my podcast, free resources, and programs, I teach strategies to overcome urges, build emotional safety, and expand into authenticity. My approach goes beyond quick fixes, focusing on root causes and long-term recovery.

Transcript

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You'll know you need help when you consistently feel shame, self-judgment, embarrassment, frustration, exhaustion, hopelessness, despair, or even apathy when you think about or engage in chronic skin picking, hair pulling, or nail biting. It's not just about the physical consequences of this behavior. It's also the emotional impact that is just as important. If you're related to any of what I just said, that is a pretty good indication that you need and deserve help. Maybe you logically get, you probably should or would benefit from more support, but there's just something getting in the way. So let's explore what might be getting in your way. And there are two really big mental blocks that I've noticed that get in the way of people doing what they need to do to create lasting healing. This is episode 122 of Beyond Skin Picking and Hapling. My name is Raphaela Marie. I'm your host. I've healed from 15 years of chronic skin picking through addressing the root cause and treating it like an addiction. Now I'm a coach helping others like you to do the same. I share absolutely everything I know with you on this podcast. And if you appreciate the work that I'm doing, please do take two seconds to hit like and subscribe, leave a five-star review, and drop your comments down below. Any kind of interaction you give this podcast really supports me and helps push this out to more people, which then also supports this community. And if you would like more support yourself, I would love to invite you to a very special opportunity to share your story with me. This is an opportunity to feel deeply seen, heard, and understood by someone who really gets it. Plus, I also share with you my insights into your root cause of chronic skin peaking, hair pulling, or nail biting, and provide you guidance in what tangible next steps you can take. If you are feeling drawn to that, go ahead and click on the link in the show notes. Comparison is the thief of joy. That's a quote from Theodore Roosevelt. And it's also one of the big reasons why people don't seek out support. Comparison is looking at other people who struggle with these behaviors, comparing your struggle to their struggle, and telling yourself, but I don't pick my skin or pull my hair or bite my nails like they do. What I do doesn't look as bad. And how does that make us feel? Confused? Guilty? It makes us want to hide more, ashamed. When we use comparison to try and make a decision about whether we need help or not, about whether we are deserving of help or not, what we're doing is we are looking for external validation. Someone or something else to say to you, yes, what you're going through is real. Yes, how you feel matters. Yes, you need help. We are looking for that confirmation so that we can feel like we are worthy and deserving of support. We are looking for someone or something to take us seriously so that we can take ourselves seriously. The problem with comparison is that we lose our sense of self when we use it too much. Because the thing is, with the things that we struggle with, you will always find someone who is in a worse situation. And so if we leave it up to comparison to help us make choices about our well-being, then we'll never do anything. Because we'll always think, well, they have it worse, so I am not deserving of this. And it makes us feel guilty and ashamed and makes us want to hide because then we tell ourselves, well, how can I need support when there's people who are struggling like that who exist? They deserve support. They need support more than me. I should be able to figure this out on my own. Then there comes in that self-judgment. And look at the emotions that are coming in there. They are the same emotions that fuel chronic skin picking, hair pulling, and nail biting. So that comparison is just adding to the fuel of the behavior. It's keeping us more stuck, more lost, feeling worse about ourselves. Now, odds are, if you have been using comparison in this way, then it's one of those things that's holding you back. But let's talk about six signs that comparison, external validation is impacting your well-being and stopping you from getting the help that you need. And I took this list from the Serenium Therapy and Wellness website, which is in the show notes if you want to have a read of that article. Signs that external validation might be impacting your well-being and preventing you from getting the help that you need. You will experience emotional ups and downs tied to feedback. So this means that your emotional stability is tied to whether you receive positive or negative feedback from other people. Difficulty making decisions. You frequently ask people what they think before knowing what you want. This was absolutely me in my early 20s. When I it came up the most when I went to a bar, I could not order a drink. I would have to ask my friends, well, what should I get? I don't know what to get. And then I would just let them choose for me, or I would just order the same drink as them. Because I couldn't stand to be different, to be laughed at. And that may not be your specific experience, but comparison is essentially there. It's trying to protect us in some way. To protect us from judgment. The third sign is people pleasing. You say yes when you want to say no, or you change your opinion to match others. Again, that is trying to protect ourselves from judgment or rejection. Sign number four, this one's interesting, social media dependence. You check for likes and comments constantly and your mood shifts depending on the response. Comparison is number five. This is you measuring your worth against others' accomplishments or appearance. Sign number six, fear of judgment. You avoid taking risks or sharing authentic thoughts because you worry about people's reactions. All of this, like I've said, is an attempt to try and keep ourselves safe from judgment, from rejection. Because imagine, I mean, I think so many of us have experienced this. You do take the risk and seek out support. But you seek out support by someone who maybe doesn't understand what it is that you're experiencing. Maybe you experience being dismissed and that person saying, you just need to stop, or giving you that kind of incredulous look of, huh? That's something that you do. There's a fear there of someone maybe being disgusted with what you're struggling with, or being confused, or judging. I completely understand why the comparison is there. I completely understand why you would want to keep yourself safe from something like that if what I'm saying right now is resonating. This is why seeking out support in places where people truly do understand you is so important. Because I've spoken to so many people who have been in the situation where they've been vulnerable and then been judged. And then I've also spoken to people who have opened up to therapists, psychologists, and medical professionals, and they've been deeply compassionate, even if they couldn't fully understand what they were going through. And those kinds of people are amazing. But just ask yourself: are you comparing yourself to other people's struggles and telling yourself that what you're going through isn't that bad? I should just be able to figure it out on my own. If you want to develop a strong internal sense of self, you need to be the one to take yourself seriously. You need to be the one to advocate for you. You need to be the one that decides I do need help. Because as long as you don't, it doesn't matter how much external validation you get, there will always be that doubt inside of you that says, I don't know though. Maybe I should just be able to figure this out on my own. A lot of people have it a lot worse. I'm not struggling like they are, so it can't be that bad what I'm experiencing. And the thing is, you can take that small step to seek out support. It doesn't mean you have to commit. You're allowed to gather information and make up your mind on how you want to navigate this. The second cognitive defense mechanism, I was trying to remember that word at the start of this episode, but I could not remember it, so I'm bringing it in now. What I'm talking to you about are cognitive defense mechanisms. The second is that you tend to dismiss and minimize your problems. And this sounds pretty similar to comparison, but it sounds like it's not that big of a deal. Others have a worse. I've had a good childhood. I shouldn't be struggling. It's normal, most people go through this. I should be over it by now. Minimizing and dismissing our problems is a cognitive distortion that downplays or trivializes events, emotions, or experiences that would otherwise warrant a significant emotional or psychological response. This is something I really clearly see show up in the people in this community who I speak to. And this is that this actually came up on this month's free masterclass. I host free masterclasses every month, by the way. You can find the link for more information and to register in the show notes. But this came up on this month's Free Masterclass in every single call, because I because I do three calls in a day to accommodate the different time zones. Those who had a good childhood, who believe they had a good childhood or know they had a really good childhood often dismiss and minimize and use comparison about the difficult things that they experienced in their childhood. This is where people say, Yeah, but I had a great childhood. I don't know why I should be struggling now. I don't deserve to struggle now. It's not fair on my parents. I feel like I'm blaming my parents. There's guilt there. But the thing is, pain is pain. Hurt is hurt. It is relative to the individual. And the truth is that we have all had painful experiences in our life. Even if you had a great childhood, your parents aren't perfect, your caregivers weren't perfect. Inevitably, they're going to cause some kind of hurt, some level of hurt. Most of our parents and our parents' parents and many generations of parents didn't know how to be emotionally tuned with their children because they didn't know how to be emotionally tuned with themselves. And so they therefore then couldn't be with their children. And this creates emotional pain. And one of the ways that we cope with that pain is we dismiss and we minimize so that we don't have to feel it. Because if we dismiss it, we don't have to feel it fully. If we minimize it, we don't have to feel it fully. And so when it comes to seeking support and we dismiss and minimize our struggles now, it's just a way for us to not have to actually turn and face the pain from our past. To not sit and fully process and feel what is under the surface, the grief, the hurt, the anger, the sadness that every human being carries. And many of us never learnt how to fully feel, how to truly process. And so we judge ourselves and we dismiss ourselves and we minimize how we're feeling, we minimize our struggles, we compare ourselves to others. Because to feel those emotions would be too much. Or at least that's how it used to be when we were children, when we were young. Now, as an adult, you have the brain development and the nervous system capacity to fully feel all your emotions. You just need to learn how to do that. In a nutshell, comparison, minimization, dismissing is a way to help us to avoid emotional overwhelm. And if you are resonating with any of the things that I've shared in this episode, and if you're still listening, then odds are that's a yes. Then I wonder how this might be holding you back from getting the support and the help that you need. Because to actually take that step and seek out support means you're taking a step towards facing the pain from your past. This is what it means to address the root cause. And when we take a step in that direction, it can be a really scary and intimidating step. There can be so much unknown there. And sometimes it's just our subconscious that is registering that fear and that uncertainty. There's a part of us that is afraid of that overwhelm of going near those emotions again. And so we default to dismissing and minimizing and comparing ourselves to try and keep us, quote unquote, safe in what's familiar. So here's some questions for reflection to really help you to see if you want to take that step towards reaching out for support this week or even today. If you were not to reach out for support, what would you get to avoid? What would you not have to feel? What might you not have to deal with if you didn't reach out for support? What do you gain from not reaching out for support? And what might you gain from doing that? From taking that one small step. Now, if you are beginning to realize that you do actually need support and you do want it, even if you're a bit scared or really scared, then I want to invite you to take one small step, which is share your story with me. That is both an opportunity to understand yourself better and also to see what further support you might want. Or maybe you have a therapist or a psychologist in mind. Maybe that next step you take is simply opening up to a loved one about what you're experiencing, about what you're struggling with. Or you can also join my free WhatsApp support group. That is a space where every week I share messages of motivation, inspiration, and support to uplift you and support you in your healing journey. It's also a space where you can share as well, or you can simply observe. There is no pressure to engage. And if you want access to that, I'm gonna leave the link to that in the show notes as well. There are so many ways that we can take that next step. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't have to fully commit to whatever it is that you decide to do. This is about collecting information so that you can understand what decision you want to make for yourself. And that will not happen unless you make that choice and take that step. Stop waiting for someone to give you permission to give a shit about yourself. Give that to yourself. And with all the resources that I just shared, they are very gentle and welcoming and safe options to take that first step. Remember, you are not a problem to be fixed. You are a human being to be understood. And I hope this episode has helped you and given you some answers, given you some direction. If you've appreciated this episode, please do hit like and subscribe, leave a five star review or a comment down below. I do love hearing from you. Thank you so, so much for spending this time with me, and I will see you next week for the next episode of Beyond Skin Picking and Hair Pulling.